I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You're a waste of cheezeits
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
