the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
