my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
