Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my shit smells like andre
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
