Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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