the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my shit smells like andre
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
