I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
