my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
