Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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