i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
