It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
