I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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