Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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