just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
