I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
