there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
