he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
