I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
