Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.