if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.