I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
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Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
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I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles