Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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