i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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