the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
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