I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
