went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
