In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
