Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
