just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
