If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
