Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
