the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
