how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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