i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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