So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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