i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
