my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize