Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
