I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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