First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
