you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
