So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
