I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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