i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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