I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
