Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
