i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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