Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
