i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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