Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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