i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
