I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
