my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
