Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Green mimosas i think yes
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
