I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
