first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
