I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
