Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Use "feeling words"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.