So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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