im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I am one with the molecules
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize