It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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